I’ll be honest, I didn’t want to take our dog Katy for a walk today. Nothing to do with her, as this is usually one of my greatest pleasures in life. It’s just that today I didn’t want to leave the house. I was tired, I had no energy. Yesterday I did my first full day back at work since my surgery in April, so I guess a spot of fatigue was to be expected.
I’ve also been in a low mood on and off for a few days, plagued by the random, fatalistic fears that every canceree will recognise. They arrive unexpectedly and grip you. They grip you tightly and are reluctant to let go. Sometimes they have a basis in logic but are often abstract and shapeless. However they are real and can be paralysing.
Experience has taught me that the harder one tries to banish these demons, the harder they hold on. But allow them to flow through and they do dissipate eventually. It’s a waiting game.
Anyway, fear and loathing in Cancerland notwithstanding, dogs need their walks and by mid-morning Katy gently reminded me that it was high time we got out and about. As anyone knows, you can’t argue with a cute terrier tilting her head quizzically, so out we went.
It was a cold, very blustery day here in Suffolk but the sun was out. As I walked along the lanes around our cottage, I felt the wind in my hair, happy that it is finally long enough to be ruffled by the breeze; I spotted snowdrops, daffodils, primroses and celandine in the grass verges (I know it’s only February but we seem to have bypassed winter and stumbled straight into spring); as we ambled across the village green I watched Katy sniffing and snuffling about in the grass, nibbling on fresh young cleaver shoots, her favourite snack on the go.
On our way back towards the cottage, I stopped and watched a buzzard arguing with two crows in the clear blue sky. I have no idea what the scrap was about but it was fascinating to watch. The buzzard kept flying away but the crows flew after him each time, shrieking and pecking at him in mid air.
On my final few hundred yards home, I was accompanied by a kestrel, flying low and hovering every so often, eyes on the prize of some tasty prey in the stubbly fields.
I make no apology if this reads like one of those smug ‘I live surrounded by the wonders of nature. Aren’t I lucky?’ blogs. I do and I am, plus I used to write one of those very blogs. I stopped it when I became ill but look, here it is www.eggshoneycream.wordpress.com/
All I know is that if I hadn’t gone out of the door today, I would have missed all of those tiny moments, glimpses into nature, that lifted my mood and ensured that the cup of coffee I made when I got home tasted all the better.